A Creation Story

One glorious morning in the 1980’s God was looking down on the earth and was not pleased with what she saw. People were less focused on building communities to benefit others and were more focused on themselves. There was an increased emphasizes on designer jeans, tennis shoes, name brands and people, rich and poor, became very materialistic. Could this be the decade that followed the politically charged and conscious 60’s and 70’s? God was floured. She sat on her thrown and thought that something must be done. She decided that she was going to send servants to earth during the 1980’s so they would be of great benefit to the world during their lifetimes. Ideally, they would encourage individuals, especially Westerners, to see themselves as a part of a global community. God picked up some dirt and spit her magical spit in it and started to create. God was halfway through her 54^th person, a boy that she was going to name Adrian Pinkney, when one of the angels called her for her afternoon tea. God placed the incomplete creation down on her table and went to collect her Early Grey and Pepperidge Farm Milano’s. When she was satisfied she returned to her thrown and picked up the Claymation that would soon become human 9 months after being sent through a womb. God had already made a beautiful face, a toned structure, and had even given Adrian the privilege of black skin. There was one piece of clay remaining and God could not remember if she was supposed to make breast or a penis for her divine creation. Was Adrian supposed to be a boy or a girl? She looked around for something to trigger her memory but she was at a loss (excusably God is like a ba-trillion years old) and she remembered that she had a lot more people to create that day. Manipulating the clay a bit, God make two breast, a slit between the legs and sent her creation down through the womb of the virgin Maria (Note: When the bible was written the word “virgin” referred to young women. It applied to all women of a certain age. So Maria and Mary likely performed the same miracle as “virgin” women who bore children)

Nine months later, Maria bore a beautiful baby girl and called her Adrianne, which means really-awesome-super-cool-beautiful-smart-wonderful-strong-all-that-and-more-girl-that-rocks. Adrianne was a curious little girl and enjoyed growing up alongside her big brother Cameron. When Adrianne hit puberty she noticed that she was not like all the other girls. Where they had smooth soft skin with very little hair, she was excessively hairy. She developed a moustache, long side burns, a beard and the hair on her legs was so long in parts that she could braid it when she was lost for entertainment. Adrianne knew she was different and tried to hide her hairy shame under long pants. She suffered through the summer months. At home, she would wear shorts to get some relief from the stuffy pants she wore throughout the day. Cameron took notice of his sister’s hairy condition. “Ewww Adrianne! You are a werewolf!” he taunted. “You are more of man than I’ll ever be!” he teased as he pointed to Adrianne’s moustache. Adrianne was ashamed of all of her hair. Little did she know that she was one of God’s special creations…with a slight defect. God gave Adrian many traditionally male features and personality traits before she went for her tea, the breast that she slapped on her were supposed to be her penis. But since God doesn’t make mistakes, all of these things will someday work to Adrianne’s favor…unfortunately, that day is yet to come.

When Adriane was 12 years-old she started to shave her legs. She found this to be a long and tedious process that resulted in clogged bathtub drains and minor cuts. She disliked shaving and only shaved during the summer months so that she could swim without criticism. As Adrianne grew she developed a stronger sense of herself. She decided that God made her beautiful, just the way she was, and there was no shame in her excessive body hair. She stopped shaving and even wore her legs out sometimes in the summertime. She ignored people’s long stares and looks of disgust and continued to enjoy her day. All was going well until Adrianne met “Man”. Like many women, Adrianne liked Man a lot. She found him to be strong, fun, handsome and refreshingly different, and like, herself. She liked Man and wanted to keep one around. Little did she know, Man was largely under the influence of popular media and Western standards of beauty. Man began to project those ideas on Adrianne and discouraged her from keeping her hairy legs. He said he was not attracted to them. Adrianne wanted to be liked by Man, like the rest of the girls, so she returned to body hair removal. Refusing to shave, Adrianne turned to waxing. Although it was expensive, she enjoyed the smooth and long-term benefits it provided. The first time Adrianne waxed she cried and cried. She had never experienced such pain and her life; however she, like most women, had been told that “Beauty is pain” and continued to torture herself and her body much like the Chinese women with bound feet or the Medieval women with corsets. Adrianne had a monthly appointment to have her hair ripped from her body.

At the age of 25, Adrianne decided to spend her summer in Africa. While in Africa she decided to “let herself go” from the Western ideas that had controlled much of her life. She was in the East! She did not paint her nails, wear make-up, or shave her legs. She was happy. Many men, and women, stopped to compliment her hairy condition. She enjoyed two months of this type of affirmation. It was good for her spirit. Adrianne was expecting a visit from a Western friend and all of her anxieties about her beastly legs returned. She was afraid they would not like it. She didn’t want to disappoint her friend who came so far to see her. While walking through the streets of Accra Adrianne saw a sign in the distance, “FULL LEG/BIKINI WAX FOR 30 CEDI!” She could not believe her eyes. Could she really have her legs waxed for around 20 American dollars? Adrianne ran toward the sign and rushed in the door. 20 minutes later she was lying on a massage table waiting for her hair to be removed. Her spirits were high, as she was saving a lot of money.

Moments later, Elizabeth and Teka walked in. Adrianne had never been waxed by two people before! She thought, “This should go especially fast.” Teka attempted to spread some wax along Adrianne’s thigh. Adrianne noticed that the wax was not hot enough to be spread. The wax pulled along Adrianne’s long hairs and caused her great pain. “Ouch!” she yelped. Teka apologized and proceeded to lay a strip along the luke­-warm wax. Teka grabbed the edge of the strip and ripped. Adrianne screamed! They both looked at the strip and it was completely hairless. Wax still remained all over Adrianne’s legs. Adrianne knew that she made a mistake. She should not have opted to get her legs waxed in a developing nation. “Damn these hairy legs!” she thought. Her thought was interrupted by another strip being ripped off her skin. She then understood. Elizabeth and Teka planned to wax her legs at the same time, as if she were some corpse that could be worked on at the convenience of the medical student. Adrianne resisted. She informed the waxers they could not wax both of her legs at the same time and that they needed to wait for the wax to get warmer. Teka sneered at Elizabeth, “I told you we had to wait for the wax to get hotter!” Adrianne worried. When was the last time the wax pot was warmed? Maybe no one gets there legs waxed here? Don’t places that really wax a lot of people always leave the wax pot on? This wax pot was obviously off…for a while. Adrianne gulped. Feelings of horror engulfed Adrianne’s mind. What was going to happen to her body? She wanted to get up and leave, but she didn’t want to offend the young women who were beginning their careers. Maybe she would willingly be their first real client. Elizabeth spread more wax on Adrianne’s shaking leg. It was warmer. Rip! “Shit!” exclaims Elizabeth. She panicked each time she removed a strip. She had no idea what she was doing. Adrianne suggested that she pull the skin tight before removing the strip (Adrianne had her own wax pot a home that she sometimes used when she was too broke to go to the salon). Elizabeth applied more wax and asked Teka to hold the skin around the strip while she pulled. “Shit! I did it!” Elizabeth exclaimed. Finally, after several attempts, one of the wax strips had actually removed some hair. Elizabeth and Teka continued to work together to remove the hair from Adrianne’s legs. Twice Elizabeth smacked Teka in the face as she removed the waxed strips. It was slap-stick comedy. Adrianne would have laughed… If only this was not her body it was happening to. Adrianne wondered if she was being “Punked”. Then she remembered the show was cancel and probably didn’t air in Africa anyway. To forget about the torture, Adrianne put in her ipod and listened to R. Kelly’s Love Letter, as an attempt to escape her body. She lay on the table and thought about God. When Adrianne felt like her legs were about done, she sat up and looked at her legs. She laughed. She was covered in pieces of wax strips that had not been pulled of her legs. There were lines of hair on her legs that were somehow skipped over. This was just awful! Elizabeth immediately starts explaining “Oh, we will go back over it again and clean it up. It is okay. We will clean. We will clean. Don’t worry”. Elizabeth attempted to push Adrianne back down so she could not see this disastrous thing that happened to her legs. Teka quickly left the room. Finally, Adrianne did what she should have done long ago; she jumps off the table and reaches for her pants. In attempt to put them on, she noticed she had large globs of wax all over her legs. Elizabeth offered her some oil. Adrianne and Elizabeth worked together to slather Adrianne and baby oil so that the wax and paper strips could be removed from her legs. After all the remnants of the attempted wax job were removed, Adrianne left the shop frustrated, in pain, and almost just as hairy as she was when she arrived. While walking home, Adrianne thought about laser hair removal. She resolved herself to be on the lookout for the next Groupon or Living Social special coupon for hair removal services. She would never wax again…at least not in Africa. The end.